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How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
A very selfish man knew he was about to pass away, so in his will he wrote that $30,000 be spent on his funeral.
After the funeral, a friend asked the wife if it really cost $30,000.
"Well, what you've seen really only cost $5,000, but the Memorial Stone cost $25,000."
"Gosh, how big is the Memorial Stone?"
"2.5 Carats"
Ole Olsen decided it was time he went back to the old country to visit with his "roots" in Norway.
While looking down the steep, 500 foot edge of a fijord, watching the waves crash onto the jagged rocks, ...his foot
slipped and he fell.
In desperation , he reached out and his hand caught a branch which stopped his fall. With no obvious help
within miles . he looked up to heaven and asked, "Is there anyone up there that can help me, you know?"
The skies parted and God answered, "Ole, why are you worried? All you have to do is let go of the branch , and
you will be with me in heaven forever."
Ole looked up again, looked down at the jagged rocks, looked to heaven again , and asked, "Is there anyone ELSE up there
that can help me?"
Bubba: “ I’m changing
my vacation plans this year. 3 years ago I went to Hawaii and Nellie got pregnant.”
“Two years ago I went to California and, dang, she got pregnant
again.”
“Last year I went to Florida and, sure enough, she got pregnant
again.”
BillyBob: “ What cha gonna do diffrnt?”
Bubba: “This year I’m takin’ Nellie with me.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The preacher announced: "Brothers and Sisters, today Brother Jones has reached his 90th birthday and he doesn't have
an enemy in the world. Brother Jones would you share with the congregation how you came to this happy state?"
The elderly gentlemen rose from his seat and in a clear strong voice said, "I out-lived the SOBs."
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As the congregation was filing into church one Sunday morning, there was a flash of fire and brimstone and there stood
Satan on the altar looking menacingly at them.
There was a mad rush of terrified people to the door, leaving a lone, elderly gentleman seated in one of the forward
pews.
"Don't you know who I am and that I could kill you with a wave of my hand?" asked Satan.
"Yep" the man replied.
"Then why are you not terrified of me?"
The man replied, "Because for the last 46 years I've been married to your sister."
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Husband: "Darling, for Christmas I'm going to get you a new Mercedes."
Wife: "I don't want one."
Husband: "Then I'll get you a diamond necklace."
Wife: "I don't want one, I want a divorce."
Husband: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking,
“Surely I can't look that old?"
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a
new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the
same name had been in the Rock Island Senior High class some 50 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any
such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was waaaaay too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Rock Island
Senior High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Rock." he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1954. Why do you ask?"
“You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled s-o-b asked
"What did you teach?"
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